As a young woman church planting in Philadelphia and raising five young boys, I found myself with very little margin, given all of my responsibilities. I believed that if something was hard, it must be what the Lord wanted me to do – they were synonymous. I was overly responsible for other people’s needs and honestly didn’t realize that saying “no” was an option. I had friends in our church plant, but I didn’t understand at the time that they saw me as a leader rather than as someone sharing mutual friendship or care. I remember an older woman in the church saying, “You are the emotional keel for your family.” Wow – yes, that felt so true; and not only for my family, but I was functioning that way for many people in the church, as well as my extended family. I reached a point where I felt like I was “holding on by a thread.” I felt like a shell of the person I had been at other times in my life.

I attended a retreat with a ministry for church-planting wives called Parakaleo, and it turned out to be a profoundly meaningful experience. I remember crying throughout the retreat as the leaders led with such kindness and vulnerability. I also remember calling my husband and saying, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” I learned that I had been living as if the gospel was for everyone but me. I was sharing the gospel of love and grace with others, but not taking it to my own heart. I honestly thought something was wrong with me and was continually trying to work on myself, drowning in self-contempt. I realized that I was depleted and isolated—pouring out but not really being poured into. I had taken Paul’s words in Philippians 2, “poured out like a drink offering,” and applied them erroneously to my life. I was exhausted and starving for intellectual stimulation and adult interaction on interesting subjects, as well as mutual friendships.

The Parakaleo retreats were significant for me. They marked the place where I was invited to reconnect with the nourishing power of the gospel for my own heart—realizing that the gospel not only had the power to save and provide atonement but also to engage with me and my shame and self-contempt. It was also the first time I was introduced to a contemplative way of engaging with Scripture. Don’t get me wrong, I love analysis, digging into Scripture, looking at the original text, and practicing inductive Bible study as I have been trained. But for me, the silence and stillness of this contemplative Scripture practice was an invitation to receive God’s word and to engage the words through listening and contemplation. It was also the calm, still rest my soul was longing for. Reading a passage slowly and pausing to consider its depth, how it reveals understanding of me and my situation, sitting in silence and reflecting in this way allowed me to listen to God and bask in His goodness and love – for me, His Daughter.

I also started going to counseling around that time, which was a tremendous gift to me, but I want to emphasize that I still had a lot of resistance to receiving the care I needed. I remember eventually concluding, “I think I’m okay; I would like to go back to the way things were – familiar and known.” After all, my kids and family needed me. There were still so many demands in life that I couldn’t just stop. And here’s the important thing about learning to receive care: it’s a slow process. I still struggled with saying no and wanted to meet the needs I saw around me. But I was also learning new ways of being, which involved embracing the woman God had made me and called me to be, including my gifts and limitations. God was so faithful in continually guiding me, awakening my heart with small reminders of who I am and how he has created me, as well as engaging the idea of “my calling” in a new way. There were parts of me that had gotten lost during those years and needed to be called forth and revived by my Creator. I enjoyed art museums – that space can truly revive my soul! I also enjoyed reading and gardening, and engaging with beauty. Within that framework, I began to wonder, how do I offer my gifts and created self to the work of the church? He began revealing my love of counseling and coming alongside others during that time. God has designed me, us, with so many facets that reflect who we are and who He is. Ignoring those other parts that need nourishment and care has the potential to diminish the fullness of Life He has for me.

Today, I still practice guided silence via a ministry called Journey Mates as a form of soul care – the same practice that helped transform my life continues to nourish me today. However, many other aspects of my world have changed. My view of myself, God, and others has shifted. I now often hear the Father’s voice gently whispering, “Where are you?” just as He did in the Garden. That question for me is no longer a push to do more or be better; it’s a gentle reminder to return to myself and to Him. I also no longer see myself as the savior of someone else’s world but as a participant in it. There is a shift in me towards wanting others to connect with Christ rather than feeling overly responsible for their needs. As a Biblical counselor, I get to consider what role I can play in helping these image bearers reconnect with their Father.

Readers, I encourage you to take a moment this week to pause and consider the ways you are created to rest, enjoy, create beauty, and receive the sweet nourishment of the gospel. See how the Lord meets you in this place; how can you come back to Him and to yourself?